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Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Back to Trekking

I was discharged from hospital on a saturday. My family was also quite worried. Hence I could not plan a trek immediately. The facebook status message that I had expressed also had a huge number of responses. Including those from people who have been not so nice to me. I felt like laughing. and actually laughed it off.

But the next weekend I was going to trek. I needed to. I needed to let go.

One of my favourite places has been Kothligad. The immensely beautiful valley sighting from the half way mark was something that has always enthralled me.

I called up my friends. They felt that maybe I should relax for a couple more weeks before we trekked. I didnt want to wait that long. I told them that if I dont feel ok we will return. I called up Shyam who is like an elder brother to me. He was the one who had taught me to trek. He was not aware that I was hospitalised. I didnt let him know as well. We planned to go to Kothligad the next weekend.

Like the old times, we took the last train and night and sat at the Karjat station for a couple of hours. Then at daybreak we took a rickshaw to the base point and started the trek. It was truly beautiful. One of my school friends with whom I had lost touch for more than 20 years had also joined me. It was nice catching up with old friends.

We trekked to the top in around 2 hours. It was a great feeling. I insisted that I wanted to make it to the pinnacle which was a bit tricky but I needed to get the confidence that I could trek. It meant a lot to me.

I made it. We took some nice pictures at the top. Enroute to the base point we stopped at Peth village where we had a wholesome meal. The trek was a welcome change after the failure at Kohoj and the incidents of the previous week after which I had to get hospitalised. I felt nice and full. The emptiness had receded.

Friendship did exist after all.

The stay in the hospital

When I got admitted my phone was taken away. I requested my dad to get the phone whenever he came to meet me though. I also requested him to call up my workplace and inform them that I would not be able to work for a few days.

I really didnt know what was wrong with me. I didnt even know how bad the ECG was. I was asked to take complete bed rest. There were wires all over my body. They were monitoring everything by the second. I had a few wires on my chest. I had something on my finger with which they were measuring something called the saturation.

Since I am used to sleeping sideways, and that was not possible here, I was not able to sleep well. It was funny. What I needed to do was sleep and I was so uncomfortable that I was not able to sleep well. I got a few winks though and woke up in the morning. Suddenly realised that I needed to pass motions. I requested myself to be unwired to be able to go to the toilet. I was told sternly that I could do so on the bed with the help of a ward boy but leaving the bed was not allowed. That was really scary. Not for the fact that I was not allowed to visit the toilet but the realisation that something might be so wrong with me that I was not supposed to leave the bed.

My dad came to meet during the visiting hours and as requested by me had carried my mobile phone. I logged into facebook and typed in a status message reflecting my state my mind. I was really feeling shackled and badly needed to communicate.

Well the doctors came and this was the first thing that I inquired with them. They told me that there was not much cause for worry and that they were observing me. Some tests had been conducted and they were only slightly abnormal (normal in case of chronic renal failure patients). I was mighty relieved. And went off to sleep. I realised I was not able to sleep due to the fear and stress and not anything else that I assumed.

I took complete rest for a couple of days and then they also conducted a couple of other tests that proved that my heart was indeed fine. It was just something temporary, maybe due to the hurt caused or maybe due to fatigue. It was stress all the way.

I was discharged within a couple of days after the 2D echo was normal. It was such a relief.

But I had something to think about. I had not completed the last trek I attempted. (Kohoj). I was also affected adversely by the behaviour of some people whom I had held dear and had trusted. I had started to think whether it is worthwhile trusting anyone at all.

My foundations were shaken.

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Trip to Hospital

The trip to Kohoj was the first trek of the season. It was a disappointment for me as I was not able to complete the trek. I was feeling very low due to a lot of other reasons. On the personal front as well nothing was happening for me. Rather everything that was happening was adverse to me.

I was under a lot of stress. And for me treks are the best stress busters.

The week after Kohoj was also similar. On the personal front I was going through a lot of stress. And on the work front there was too much happening what with my boss on a vacation and the whole business development work load on my shoulders. I had a round of dialysis the previous night and had not slept well as well.

One such day, I had to make an important presentation to one of India's top media houses. It was around 130 and the presentation was at 330. I was online. I had not seen a friend online for a long time. In fact we had decided to keep away from each other due to some differences. But the friend was very dear to me. We had been very close for a long time. I dont want to get into the details but I realised that the friend had blocked me on chat. I really felt hurt. Something happened deep down in my system that I am not able to describe.

I left for the meeting. I was actually able to feel my heart beat. Each beat ringing clearly in my ear. It was scary. Such things had never happened before.

I reached the clients office. I prayed to give me strength to take care of the presentation. The presentation went off very well and I got appreciation for the same from the clients side. I took a stop with a colleague for a snack which I thought would help me feel better.

When I was travelling home, I was again able to feel the thumping in my chest, even more clearly now. The beats were irregular. And it was as if someone was hammering my chest from the inside.

I reached home and lied down. Normally, I am very active. Once I reach home I take a wash and settle down for dinner. That day, I was in no mood. I was sad, tired and scared at the same time. My parents also got worried. They started inquiring about me. Fortunately, we have a good hospital very near to where we live and we went there and got an ECG done.

My dad accompanied me along with my uncle who lives in the same building complex. I was scared. I also had difficulty breathing. The doctor at the casualty were worried looking at the ECG and sent it to the ICU for the intensivists to have a look at it and opine whether hospitalisation was needed.

The answer came soon enough. I had to be hospitalised. I was shifted to the Intensive Care Unit.
For the first time in my life.

I really needed to be cared for. At the physical level as well as at the emotional.