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Tuesday, 27 April 2010

True Happiness

There was a time when I got started on dialysis. My world collapsed. I was at a loss as to how to live life.

It was not easy to accept the fact that

  1. I would not live a normal life again
  2. It would not be fair to my spouse if I got married (even if I underwent a transplant)
  3. I might never get to trek again (Trekking has always been a passion for me)
For a while I kept my business going. I had done some good creative work for some top corporates in India. However, some people took advantage of my health issues and weaned away my clients using my name. Some clients still stayed with me. They stood the test of time. Some of them are still in touch with me.

Some friends stopped keeping contact with me. This was the worst part. I was not someone who would "use' them to my advantage. Well what advantage did I have on my side is another question.

At this point I suddenly started feeling lost and forlorn. I needed a companion badly. I needed someone who would be there for me, when I need her.

I ended up being miserable. Feeling low all the time. Feeling depressed. It was tough to get positive. And then one day I said, I am going to be happy. Why should my happiness be conditional. Why should it depend on whether some "friend" talks to me or not. Why should my happiness depend on whether someone cheats me in business or not. I realised how stupid I had been.

I decided to take the bull by the horns. I started a consulting service that got me in touch with my current employer. I have been fighting it out since then. How could I give up ?

I have had a lot of ups and downs healthwise, relationship wise and otherwise. However, in my opinion I have grown more wise.

I still need to go for dialysis twice a week. I work the whole day. I take dialysis twice a week from 10 pm to 3 am at nights, and manage to go to work the next day.

I resumed my tryst with my passion (trekking) and now have a group of almost 200 members.

I might still be single, lonely and still would love to have a companion who would be there for me, committed to me in reciprocation, but I am not miserable. I am happy. Unconditionally.....

True happiness is always Unconditional

Sunday, 18 April 2010

The Challenge

I have seen dialysis from close quarters. Its really tough to face all the time. I have seen some friends lose their lives while on dialysis, very similar conditions to the one I went through last time.

Doctors keep saying that the intention of doing dialysis is to ensure that we can live as normal a life as is possible. However, we need to realise that every round of dialysis is an unique experience and therefore its a different challenge to come back to normal after every such experience. An unconditioned mind can really get nervous and lose their cool and confidence once faced with such experiences.

What is required is the mental strength to let go of the happenings and move on. The challenge is to simply forget whatever happenes as a bad dream and take it in your stride. This is the really difficult part because physically as well as emotionally you are drained of all energy.

What is needed is to dig deep into your mental and spiritual strength to get back into action.

To get back into life in the normal mode. Not just alive but alive and kicking.

At least thats what dialysis is meant to help us do................

Breathless

I have been extremely busy with my work and hence have not been able to write much lately. My schedules have been such that I hardly get enough sleep. In between I had been to Karla twice though the saving grace was that we hadnt trekked due to the heat.

Or Maybe I was missing the treks.I really dont know. But I was feeling quite listless and bored. And weak and uninterested in life.

There were too many things happening in my personal life as well. Lies, betrayal, and rarely have I been in a situation where I dont know whom to trust and whom not to trust. But I guess life presents us with all kinds of new situations all the time.

In the middle of such a situation, I went for dialysis. The moment they started dialysis, both sides of my chest and my lower back started hurting. I called out to the technician and nursing staff at the hospital. Luckily I called out to them just at the right time as by the time they reached my bed, I was totally out of breath. I was unable to talk. I had terrible pain in my lungs as if they were about to burst. Similarly with my lower back. If I remember correctly, this pain was in my kidney area.

I was unable to communicate. I was gasping. Gasping for breath. For life. I felt as if it was all over. Suddenly my visibility became poor. I started progressively seeing less and was extremely scared. I knew I was getting a phone call or maybe I was just dreaming.

What I remember next was that I was sitting. I had an oxygen mask on my face, the phone was ringing and I cancelled it. My finger was having a probe attached to it to measure the saturation and pulse. But somehow I managed to sms the friend who had called 3 times till then.

My intention was just to inform that I was unable to take the call due to my ill health and not because of the misgivings that we had with each other in the last couple of weeks.

I smsed my dad to come to hospital and also my employer that maybe I would not be able to report to work the next day.

I dont know why I did this. I was truly not in my senses. But somehow it was my reflex that I communicated to whoever required about my state.

Slowly, my condition improved. I heard that they had stopped my dialysis for a while and kept me on slow speed dialysis that night.

But as i replied to the sms of one of my concerned friends. I was Alive and Kicking. !!

Tung

After my hairline fracture, V Hikerz went ahead with a couple of treks. The group was not so comfortable going ahead without me, but then the group is alwyas more important than the individual. and the group went ahead with the treks. My foot was now fine. the summer had set in but we wanted to do one small trek to end the season.

Tung was the one.

We started early in the morning and took the vehicle to the base point. On the way to Amby Valley take a detour towards Tung wadi and the trek starts from a Hanuman temple.

We had some inexperienced trekkers with us who started with great enthusiasim. They wanted to reach the top as fast as possible. I guess they wanted to be the first to reach the top.

We were hardly 150 metres on the trek when a couple of the members went breathless. Luckily we had experienced trekkers with us. We coaxed and cajoled them to move on (Its almost done...i can see the walls of the fort) and complete the trek.

Yes the trek was short, but it was really hot. Summer had truly set in. We had told everyone to carry a lot of water, which helped a lot in the ultimate analysis. The Glucose, the tang and everything else that we had carried helped. We had a breath taking view of the Pawna river valley from the top along with a couple of smaller temples. The members who were tired were not feeling better once we had our refreshments.

We started on our way back after a session of jokes and this time there was no issue faced even by the members who were breathless while climbing.

They had paced their descent and planned it better.

Isnt life so much about planning and pacing ourselves to be able to keep running till the end........