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Thursday, 25 December 2008

The Bonus Life

The process of hemodialysis can be very painful at times. The last time I was having dialysis, my BP dropped to less than 50 and I was not able to even see the face of the nurse who was attending to me. Then the pressure went so low that I vomitted. The vomit itself would have weighed around a kilogram. My weight reduction was so high that it was around 25% more than the actual weight gain. When I came home I could feel the dehydration. And I was not able to sleep the whole night as I was getting bad bouts of cramps.

The lower back was paining like hell. But then these things happen. they are part and parcel of the process.

The other typical problem that occurs is rigours. There is violent trembling of the body and its like the body is revolting the process of dialysis. This invariably ends with high temperature and terrible weakness.

Well these are just some of the problems that occur during dialysis. The pain areas are quite a few. Someone asked me "Why dialysis?"

Well in the earlier days the moment you had a kidney failure it meant the end of everything. The life expectancy wasnt there beyond a time. Dialysis means extending that life span. It is a process that lets you live beyond your time.

Life goes on. At least dialysis helps you go on in life. Even though it does not ensure a great quality of living, it keeps you going. It keeps you alive when otherwise you would be no longer alive to enjoy the fruits of life.

Life on Dialysis is like a bonus. And when we are on a bonus life span we should just enjoy.

In fact not just enjoy.....Celebrate.....Celebrate Life!!!

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Blogging is Special

Blogging is something I have started to enjoy. It has become an outlet for me to express myself and my deepest thoughts.

I have been extremely tied up with work for the last 2-3 months and my frequency of posting on this blog has reduced. However, I do not miss any opportunity to do so.

It gives me great pleasure when I get compliments from those who follow my writing. Some compliments have gone to the extent of wanting to compile a book of all my posts. That was quite touching as well as a humbling experience.

Blogging has given me a great sense of rejuvenated confidence and awareness of my abilities to write and write well at that.

Work keeps me busy. Work pays me for what I am doing. Treks are my passion. They are my connection to the mystic element that exists in nature.

Blogging is special too. It connects the various aspects of life that seem disjointed but have this mystic connection between themselves

Friday, 19 December 2008

Better than the Best

During the course of my job and career, I have tried my level best to compete with healthy individuals on an equal keel. I have never requested any favours with respect to responsibilities except that I leave my workplace at 6 pm on the days I have to go for my dialysis. Even when it came to meeting requirements of clients, I have always ensured that I delight clients with timely work before I tell them about my health problems.

But sometimes I really feel tired. I take my dialysis at nights post working hours. At times it goes on till 1 am and I get to sleep only at around 2 pm. To add to it sometimes I get bad bouts of cramps.I hardly get any sleep sometimes. Yet I go to work in the morning, as if I am a normal person. The other day I was in a similar situation. I hadnt slept at night. I went to work and was in such a bad shape. But as I said I never use the premise of me being on dialysis as a handicap. I dont like to. My lower back was hurting like hell. My blood pressure was so low. At times I blacked out in my seat. It was really scary.

But I had to complete a task at hand. I was focussing on it as much as I could. I completed it at around 1030 pm and then left for the day. The task was now achievable the next day. I left office. I somehow managed to reach home by cab and went off to sleep.

When the task was to be presented to the client, we realised that I had missed out on some of the detailing. Well I really felt guilty. But I had really put in my best effort. Sometimes the body simply does not respond. In fact it revolts.

But then I cant give that as an excuse. Work cant suffer. I have to compete with normal healthy human beings.

I have to better them. Do better than the best!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Island on the horizon

It was only me and the deep blue sea.

Daybreak was setting in. Along with it dawned a new perspective. The sea was vast. The ocean calm despite the depth of its waters.

The bright sun in the horizon beckoned to move on. Giving hope of a new kind.

The task at hand was important at the moment. As Swami Vivekananda said once"If you are born in this world make a mark before you leave"

Time was short. There has to be some activity to achieve the given task. The island of hope was visible in the horizon. But in the deep seas no one knows how far or near the distances would be. It could be a mirage for all I knew.

But the ship had to move on. The anchor was required when the ship was stationary. When it needed to dock. At the moment it was time to explore. The whole universe was waiting to be explored. How could an anchor distract it from its goal.

The goal to take up the impossible. The goal to make it possible.

Again as Swami Vivekananda once famously said "The history of the world is the story of a few men who had faith in themselves"

It is time to make that story.

Deep Sea Anchors

In our lives we have anchors. We have a set of people whom we depend on and consider a part of us. These are the people you turn to when you really need to talk or really need to have an open discussion. We know that whatever the discussion the anchor would remain.

Thank God for such people. They could be immediate family, our close circle of friends, and definitely some with whom there are special relationships. These relationships are very special because they cant be given names. They are sublime. They go beyond the ordinary definition of brother and sister, man and wife, father and son. These along with your immediate family are the strongest anchors that connect us to the outside world.

Suddenly if it happens that this anchor is no where to be seen. It has disappeared and the person suddenly starts behaving as if we were never close friends, it raises a lot of questions as to the reasons for this sea change. It suddenly feels like you are all at sea with the vast ocean (beautiful in other times) out to engulf you. It is so scary.

We wish to have that anchor back. We wish to at least know what was the storm that suddenly made the anchor disappear from our lives. I for one am not able to comprehend what hit me. This feeling is very funny and it hurts.

As a patient on hemodialysis, it becomes difficult to control anxiety and hence erratic pressure levels and moods exist. But I guess anxiety and mood swings would happen to even normal human beings.

If the ground on which it was anchored was not firm it would not have lasted for the duration that it lasted. If there has been so much trust over the years that we used to share everything with each other, why this distance suddenly. If there is a problem there is a huge chance that the anchor that the friend is looking for could be provided by me. This I believe has happened on several occasions earlier.

I so hope and fervently pray that even if the anchor has to be away from my life, the disappearing act could be done in a more humane manner. After all some relationships that have stood the test of time cant just be disappearing in the deep sea.

I really wish that this anchor remains connected to me but have no clue on where it is heading. No clue whatsoever on what is the right approach.

As of now it looks like its just me and the deep blue sea.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Life has to go on

Today I heard another piece of news that has become quite common. On an average once every month or two I hear that someone I knew and was on dialysis is no more. Today also I heard this kind of news about someone who used to care a lot for me. Yes, I felt sad that the person is no more. At the same time there was a queer sense of relief that the person would no longer have to be with the ups and downs of being a patient on dialysis.

I know how it feels and despite me being very positive most of the times, even I have preferred secretly that it would be preferable to not exist at all rather than go through all this pain. Then again I put in that huge effort to pull myself out of the rut and get back into mode positive. All over again.

Its not easy.

I was trying to analyse what would it be that gives us that funny feeling in the belly when we hear such news.

Is it fear of death?
Is it the fear of loved ones having to bear with the grief of losing someone they loved?

Well when we are no more we would not have to see our loved ones grieving for us. While we are alive we can see the pain in their eyes. We can see them caring for us, worrying for us when we are not upto the mark. So for everyone else there is a mix of a little bit of ease and convenience but a whole lot of grief. And as we see in the real world, most of us are able to get over the grief as time passes.

We need to take life in our stride and move on.Life has to go on.

I guess then it would be the fear of death. What are we worried about. After dying we will not be around to feel anything. So while we exist isnt it folly to keep thinking of the inevitable and spoil the time that we have on our hands. Yes we can grieve for the departed soul for some time. And we are normally able to get over the grief as time passes.

We need to take life in our stride and move on. Life has to go on.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

The Terror Strike

The day the strike happened will remain etched in my memory for a long time to come.

I had just had dialysis and was home. My blood pressure was very low and I was feeling extremely weak. There was this one day match between India and England that was happening which was being telecast live. Since the Indian cricket team was in smashing form, even my parents were wholeheartedly watching the match. The normal cribs about having to miss their soaps wasnt there.

When the match got over, I was on the sofa, quite weak and feeling very giddy. I was able to hear loud and clear that India had managed to successfully chase the English total thus leading 5- 0 in the seven match series. Despite the giddiness I was able to see the lost and forlorn face of the English captain leading his team off the field. It was a lost cause. England was one of the best teams in world cricket. Was.

Post the victory, there is usually a long commercial break before the ceremony happens. During this break I normally tune in to news channels and find out the latest happenings.

There was a breaking news in the ticker. It talked about some gang war related firing at the prime terminus in my city. I discounted it as a small happening and kept surfing channels. Another news channel was reporting the same happening along with reports of blasts in a top hotel in the city. This was one of the most reputed hotels and an iconic one at that.

These two incidents could not have been a coincidence.They were barely a couple of kms away from each other. The other incident of firing was also in the vicinity of the same hotel. This was not gangwar.

And then we heard a blast that shook our house. We started getting calls from our neighbours. We were sure this was something big. Something we had not experienced in my 35 years of life in this city.

I forgot that I just had dialysis. I was planning to sleep immediately after the match. I was feeling giddy. I was not able to sit straight due to the low blood pressure. Was.

No more. Everything else was forgotten. Except for the attack.

This was a defining moment in the history of the world. It was happening barely a few kms from where I was.

This was definitely not an underworld gangwar. The underworld was not openly involved.They were killing innocents. This was not by any gang

It was War!! a continuation of the proxy war.